Clutter Conflict: What If My Partner Won’t Declutter?
This article originally appeared in the October 3, 2021 edition of the Kingsport Times News. Click here for the original pdf.
Clutter is a pervasive problem with a long list of consequences. It makes our home less pleasant, peaceful, and efficient. It costs us time and money, causing us to have less of those resources to spend on doing the things we love. Clutter has been linked to excess weight and depression, difficulty with focus, decreased academic performance in children, and increased risk of falls and of fire. As if all of these consequences aren’t enough, clutter is a common cause of conflict between those living together.
Clutter and Conflict
One of the questions I am asked most often is, “How can I make my spouse/roommate/child/etc. declutter?” It’s a common dilemma, and unfortunately, the answer isn’t an easy one. My purpose in this article is to help you understand how clutter can sometimes lead to conflict and what you can do to solve the conflict.
A Tough Answer
Let me go ahead and get the tough answer out of the way first. My usual answer to the question, “How can I make my spouse/roommate/child/etc. declutter?” is “You can’t.” While there may be ways to ask, cajole, beg, manipulate, or influence someone’s behavior, you really can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. You can only control your own behavior.
Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is NOT to talk someone into doing things your way, no matter how superior your methods may be at keeping order. The goal is to create an environment where everyone in the home can be comfortable, even when their preferences are so dissimilar.
I find it helpful to explore the nature of the differences. In many cases, a deeper comprehension of the other person’s experience is a useful framework on which to build a solution.
Clutter Blind or Clutter Sensitive?
Someone who is clutter blind doesn’t really see clutter. Those who are sensitive to clutter are flabbergasted. “How can they not see that?!” they may think. It’s not that the clutter blind literally can’t see it. It just becomes an accepted part of the visual background, and it really doesn’t bother them.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, a person who is clutter blind can’t figure out why the other person is so picky. “What’s the big deal? Why can’t they just chill out?” they may think. What they may not be able to understand is that for a person who is sensitive to clutter, a certain level of orderliness is necessary for them to feel calm and to be functional.
It’s important to keep in mind that we’re talking about a difference in preferences. As much as I (as a person who hates clutter) want to argue that keeping the house clutter-free is the “right” or “better” thing to do, this is not an issue of morality. When you approach the conflict as a morality issue, the tension only becomes worse. Again, the goal is to create an environment where everyone can live in peace and harmony.
Start with Your Own Stuff
The advice I always start with is, “Take care of your own clutter first.” I can almost guarantee that even a tidy person probably has at least one area that needs some work. Sometimes seeing a big difference will catch the other person’s attention and cause them to consider dealing with their own stuff. No guarantees, but even if they don’t, it’s the right place to start.
Their Stuff, Their Decision
If a cluttered area isn’t a shared space, although you might not like how it looks, it really isn’t your decision. If the space and the belongings in the space are the responsibility of the other person, the best solution may be to simply ignore it. It’s not your circus, not your monkeys. As difficult as it may be, there is power in overlooking something that truly doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life.
Case in point: before my husband Eric and I moved into our loft, Eric had an office by himself. Although he keeps things fairly neat, his office didn’t live up to my standards. When I would occasionally comment on the stacks of paper on his desk, Eric would remind me that it was his office. I didn’t necessarily like it, but he was right.
Talk It Out
If the space that’s driving you crazy is a shared space, figure out how to work together to make it more functional. Express your frustrations and desires in a kind and non-accusatory tone. Don’t assume impure motives. Take the time to discover the main issue that leads to the clutter. More often than not, habits are the result of the most convenient action. There may be small tweaks you can make that will encourage new habits by making a better habit more convenient.
Here are a few suggestions: If clothing that might be reworn soon tends to pile up somewhere that makes the room cluttered, try adding some hooks, a hall tree, or some other quick clean-up option. For dirty clothes, make sure a hamper or basket is conveniently located. If trash frequently gets left on surfaces, add another trash can or two. Try instituting a daily five to ten minute pick-up routine. It’s a small time commitment that can yield big results if done consistently.
Make a New Goal Together
What if a shared space is currently unusable? Perhaps a space has become a catch-all room for your partner’s stuff. Discuss how that area could be put to better use. Maybe you’d like to create a guest room, an office, or a project room. Establish the goal, sketch out the new plan, and identify the steps necessary to accomplish it. Offer to help them go through their stuff, but keep in mind that the ultimate decision belongs to them.
Try, Try Again
Creating a space where everyone can be comfortable is a tough challenge. There are no quick fixes. Even the best plans will likely require trial and error. Give each other grace and forgiveness, and don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re on the same team.
Bring In an Expert
If you just can’t seem to find a solution yourselves, call in an expert. A neutral party can see the situation from an objective position. With my training as a certified professional organizer and my experience in working with a variety of clients, I can help you find a solution that works for everyone in the home.